Fam-I.L.Y. :)

Narrative (PRE-CANA SEMINAR)

I woke up early on a Saturday again for our pre-cana seminar. It was last March 19, 2011 when I attended the seminar along with my other blockmates in Sto. Nino Church in Tondo, Manila. At exactly 7:00 in the morning, I met my two blockmates in school and we rode the LRT together and met another blockmate somewhere along our route for that day. Although, it was one of my few times to commute and be dropped off in a place where I barely knew the name, I was still excited for all the activities that I'd be having especially because I was with my blockmates. At exactly 8:00 in the morning, we were standing in front of a big church and kept waiting for another blockmate to come. 

We moved to a little building beside the church for the seminar. There were more or less 20 happy couples that were scheduled for that pre-cana seminar. When we first went there, one of the facilitators asked us to move to the front. We insisted that we stay at the back because we would only be observing them. He was surprised that we weren't there to have the seminar. He thought we were also getting married since we could've been exactly three pairs that morning. I guess we weren't that young-looking anymore.

In the morning, we were told that the first session of the seminar will last for 5 hours and will include five different talks and an activity for the couples. The activity was given during the first one and a half hours and was then discussed by Bro. Bryan. The activity that was given was a marriage expectation inventory which included questions and decisions as married couples. Some that were given emphasis in the inventory were their money expectations, religious expectations, expectations related to sex and even that of the in-law expectations.

The first talk was given after the activity which tackled on how to understand the Christian marriage. The speaker explained the five aspects of Christian marriage which are the following: 1. as God's plan 2. as a vocation 3. as a covenant 4. as a sacrament and 5. as a commitment to serve. It lasted for 45 minutes. To summarize the talk, Christian marriage is basically getting the fulfillment in one's life.

The second talk which lasted for another 45 minutes was about the nature of man and woman. The talk was a little longer since it discussed a detailed list of differences between a man and a woman. The differences that were included and were discussed were basic physical and physiological differences, emotional and psychological differences, way of thinking and mode of speaking. At the end of the talk, the objective was clearly to develop awareness between the couple and help them understand each other more.

The break time that was scheduled after the second talk was not accomplished since the speaker for the second talk had a lot to say about the topic. After the second talk, the facilitators agreed upon starting on with the third talk for the first session.

The third talk was about the husband and wife relationship. The talk discussed about the roles of the husband and wife. The husband was seen to be the provider, protector and priest or responsible for having spiritual life for the family, while the wife was seen as a companion, partner and support to her husband and for the whole family.

The talk that followed was about unions in marriage which included spiritual, psychological, physical, social, economic and educational union which were adapted from Fr. Parisi's article, “Psychology of Christian Marriage”.

The last talk was given which lasted for 30 minutes but still finished past our scheduled lunch time. It was about stages of love in marriage. It started with the stage during or after the honeymoon which is the dream world phase followed by period of disillusionment. The next three stages which are period of misery, period of adjustment and the matured realistic stage of love take time to develop or acquire. The speaker also discussed the elements of love which included some virtues and values such as humility, patience, forgiveness and affection.

The first session finished at around 12:30 and we were given a 30-minute lunch break.

The second session in the afternoon started at 1:00. The couples were again given a 30-minute activity to start the session. They were given a copy of the Agree-Disagree Exercise to find out where the couples may have different answers. The answers were then discussed by the speaker.

The first talk discussed on the levels of communication and classified these levels as on the cliché, gossip, idea and judgment, and feeling or gut level. The couples then are expected to share their ideas as well as their feelings for a particular concern. The couples were told to avoid communication gap because it might cause problems in the relationship.

The second talk which lasted for more than an hour was about effective communication in their married lives. The speaker was able to point out some barriers to effective communication. Some of these are the lack in effort and non-stop talking and not listening. The speaker was also able to give tips in achieving effective communication between them or among the family. It is important to note that being calm and appreciative of each other is the key to maintain a good relationship.

The third talk was about the Christian family and presented several concepts. Children were given emphasis as a gift from God. Responsible parenting was also taken into consideration as the issue of contraceptives was also incorporated in the discussion. Natural family planning was also discussed.

The topic on marriage rites was skipped and the speakers proceeded to discussing the next topic which was keys to successful marriage and family life which was shorter. The elements included prayers, Christian formation and pastoral support. The marriage rites was discussed in a span of approximately 30 minutes.

After the talk, the couples were asked to practice and emphasized that they should take it seriously. The seminar finished at 6:00.

Reflection (PRE-CANA SEMINAR)

It was a Saturday and I needed to be up by 5:00 in the morning and leave the condo at 6:00 to meet my other two blockmates and leave school by 7:00. I anticipated another tiring day plus it fell on a weekend. “Great,” I thought to myself as we walked to the LRT station, “I'm going to be tired by the end of the day and the coming week is expected to be, again, stressful.” I have to stay positive and think that that day's going to be just fine. I'm pretty sure my friends can lift up this little tired soul through the day, I hope.

When we reached the Sto. Nino Church in Tondo, Manila, I remember to make a wish. I didn't exactly wish for a happy ending. That would be cheesy and I guess far from what I was feeling that day. I was feeling a little uneasy, besides from feeling tired. I was thinking that because we'll be attending a pre-cana seminar, everyone will just be talking about love and the married life for that whole day. I wished for a power to vanish when I need to take a break from all those. I snapped back to reality, I was just starting to be positive and I found myself stressing on the same concern again.

When I first entered the venue, I was drowned in the crowd of happy couples. I needed to shift my thoughts into being happy for them. I know I just had a bitter ending but I can't be bitter forever. That day can be the start of feeling happy for others.

The seminar took a whole day to finish and I might have dozed off on some parts of the seminar. However, I felt that the couples present during the seminar was enjoying every topic. I realized that maybe when that time comes when it's my time to have that pre-cana seminar again (with my future husband), I'll be able to be delighted in every talk that they'll be giving.

The talk on effective communication made me realize how important it is in maintaining a relationship and keeping the couple together. A person may start to believe in gossip. However, it is important that that person should start thinking more deeply and reflect on the consequences if ever he or she believes the gossip. It can ruin the whole relationship even though it might seem like a little insignificant to be talked or discussed about.

The pre-cana also discussed about contraceptives and natural family planning. My thought on that was it was helpful to the couples because soon they are going to decide on how they are going to have their family. Although contraceptives are not fully approved by a lot of people especially Filipinos, because of their religious values, I think that it is essential for the couples to be educated on contraceptives and their effects.

The whole pre-cana seminar gave me an insight that it takes a matured and responsible person to decide when choosing to be in the path of married life. It is not simply because a person doesn't want to be alone forever but more on being ready to accept and live with a person who was once a stranger in your life. It's amazing how one becomes a family from being just an acquaintance. Maybe love does move in mysterious ways. However, I still don't want to accept that successful relationships should be left on fate. It takes effort for a couple to stay together and stay happy.

The pre-cana seminar might have caused me to sleep on some schoolwork for that night but then again, the experience was worth it especially because my friends and I were able to pick on some inspiration from the talks and the happy couples. I hope I can always share their happiness.

Narrative (INTERVIEW)

When my parents arrive last Saturday midnight (April 3), I immediately scheduled them for an interview early in the morning. It was 8:00 and we planned in going to mass at 9:00. I rushed to them and promised to finish the interview by 8:30. The picture that will be posted was a much later photo because they didn't want me to post pictures in our pajamas. Who would want that, anyway?

Interview Proper

1. How long have you been married?

Mom: 29 years

Dad: That's a year older than your Manang. :-)

2. How long is the courtship?

Mom: Ikaw na sumagot.

Dad: 3 years?

Manang: Tanungin mo ilang beses nanghiram ng libro si daddy.

3. How long were you in boyfriend/girlfriend stage?

Mom: 2 years ba, Dy?

Dad: 2 and a half years.

4. When did you get married?

Mom: We had a civil marriage first in October 22, 1982. Then we got married in the Church in December 31, 1982.

5. When do you celebrate your anniversary then?

Mom and Dad: The Church wedding is more important so as much as possible we celebrate it during December.

6. When did you have your first born child?

Mom: February 8, 1983

7. How are you both coping with married life?

Dad: Great. We are happy together, as a family.

8. What do you do to keep up with the happiness in your family?

Mom: Even though we might only see each other thrice a year, the most, we still make sure that we have an open communication with you and Manang.

Dad: Telephone bills might have skyrocketed at times.

Mom: When we go home, we try to do things together, like go to mass together and celebrate Holy Week together in the province.

9. What problems do you encounter in the relationship?

Mom: As much as possible, petty things shouldn't be entertained. Open communication is important in overcoming inevitable problems.

Dad: One time, we were stopped in the airport and we're asked by a staff (of the airport) to pay 12% of what we were carrying. We were asked to pay an additional 12% for the laptop. I immediately thought that the staff was only taking chances on us so I walked away and Mommy rushed and called my name but I walked away because I was so annoyed and I know that the staff was only bluffing her way out. I was right because we were still permitted to go out. The bottom line is there was a little misunderstanding between us but we managed to fix it right away.

10. Are you happy in choosing the married life?

Mom: We enjoy talking to you and Manang and we always find a way to laugh at difficult situations, especially Daddy.

Dad: We are more than satisfied in having this family and we will not have it changed for anything.

Reflection on the INTERVIEW

 I was very hesitant to interview my parents at first. It would be awkward and my friends were feeling the same way too with regard to interviewing their own parents. We would rather go to other places and interview other married couples than feeling uneasy during the course of the interview. We can take an extra mile, literally, and go to Laguna to interview one of our blockmates' parents. However, time didn't allow us to have a vacant weekend and go and interview some others' parents. I was thinking of interviewing my parents. I swear that was the my plan Z. I asked one of my friends about the interview questions to be given to the married couple and the questions were very bold and open. It gave me goosebumps, just by thinking how the interview would go or how would I place those particular questions. My family is bonded yet I just can't ask, especially in a formal interview, about the area of sex. Not only does it sounds gross, but because they are my parents, even though I know if it wasn't for it, I wouldn't be here. It is just so different when it comes to my own parents. I promised myself I would ask only the basic and sensible questions.

At 8:00 on a Sunday, while we were all prepping up to go to mass, I sort of made an ambush interview with my own parents. I guess that was an advantage since I'll only be having, more or less, 30 minutes to ask questions and have short answers. I wanted that kind, though. I guess it would be better to both parties.

The interview was a success and finished at around 8:40 because there were times when my father had to elaborate on things and then share some laughter with the whole family. It was like a formal interview, like those that are conducted during PERSEF classes, only a little (more) enjoyable. I know how my parents also had a lot to overcome in the past. I know most of the parts in their love story and it amazes me how, for 29 years, they made it and still we're intact. That is one great thing I have to be grateful to God.

My mother never gets tired of reminding me to offer all my works and prayers to God. At times when I least think of God, my mother never fails to tell me that God is involved in all situations so I must still consider God. I guess that's how they patch things up. They think on the same ground and that is God. What does God want us to do in this present difficulty? If God was in my place, what could He have done? If we are able to think like god, then we can act like how God wants us.

God created love and presents it to us everyday. He wants us to be with another person who would post a challenge on us, testing our every ounce of patience in understanding and forgiving the same person seventy-seven times and over.

That interview was a success in the sense that it made me realize how God wants us to be happy and that is by having someone to hold hands with. A married life could be a difficult task or a trial at times, but the happiness and fulfillment that it would be giving is priceless.

Synthesizing TREDFOR; no chemical bonds this time

TREDFOR classes were sort of free post-counseling sessions and a break from a day full of school work. The first weeks were about Jesus Christ's mission. Sir Ian stressed that Jesus's focus is on proclaiming the Kingdom of God. He proclaimed it through His words and deeds. He made known the commandment “love God and love your neighbors”. Redemption was also discussed and the promise of it. The word “redeem” is defined as getting what is yours. It is important to note that we can only reap what we sow, much more similar to getting back all the things and actions that we did to others. Discipleship was then studied and how the disciples lived their lives. Being a disciple of Jesus was not an easy task to anyone since it required great faith in order to be called Jesus' disciple. The RH Bill was analyzed briefly in one of the meetings during the Pro-life week. Sacraments were also discussed in class and were defined as tangible signs of an invisible reality.

Human maturity and marriage were discussed simultaneously in the second part of the course. It is known that God offers life and love thus marriage is a gift from God. Marriage is also a commitment between two individuals. Marriage is faith, total and faithful, an acceptance of the other person as having equal dignity and responsibility, is exclusive and is a continuing commitment. Since human maturity is one of the three ares in marital commitment, together with value clarification and authentic love, it was further discussed into five more areas. The identity vs. confusion concept stemmed on the dependence-independence goals, give-and-get balance, troublesome feelings, sexual responsibility and hostility. Conscience vs. super ego fall under troublesome feelings. The whole fall under human maturity.

What is it in TREDFOR that you are most grateful for?

My TREDFOR subject was scheduled as my last subject on Tuesdays and Thursdays. It gave me the chance to always reflect on what happened the entire day. It was like my own Silence Period when I was in high school. The thing that I am most grateful for in TREDFOR is the heart in writing my reflection paper every week. It helped me a lot to re-assess my life and how have I been doing, especially on moving on (during the first few weeks). I didn't really expect that the papers would really be a big help in moving on and realizing that it's time for me to be happy. At this point, I am proud to say that from the papers that I've been writing from week one, I am happier and contented with what I have in my life now. I finally found some of the answers to my own questions. As I write this last reflection, I intend to cut it short. I'm happy and I finally mean it.

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook